St. Ides of March

2054 years ago today, Julius Caesar met his end at the hands of some former friends. The conspirators, inbred aristocrats all, were terrified of losing their power and inherited wealth to a populist dictator.

They justified their deed by casting Caesar as a tyrant. In a way he was, but what he really put an end was not the Roman "Republic" but 100 years of civil war between aristocratic factions, some of which were more willing to ally with the common people and some of which were crusty defenders of extreme aristocratic privilege. Caesar, despite his upper-class pedigree, became a man of the people as his career moved on. Read Michael Parenti's excellent book for more, or go straight to Plutarch here (Chapter 60ff).¹

I get fed up with the misty-eyed idealization of the Roman "Republic", which was a cabal run by the landowning aristocracy that pointedly excluded the other 98% of the population. Shakespeare, who bought into this vision, inflicted it on the English-speaking world. Witness these clips from the 1953 version, with Marlon Brando as Mark Antony:


It's a very stiff and reverent treatment, but it gives you an idea of how solemnly people used to treat the moment.

Today's uses of the Ides of March are amusing for their variety. American cult leader Lyndon LaRouche used it to promote his webcast about Obama's imminent downfall. Project Chanology organized global protests against Scientology on the Ides of March 2008 (video). There's also episodes of "Party of Five" and "Xena Warrior Princess" that use the name, but I'm too proud to link to those.

There's also this White Stripes song, which seems to be more about love and malt liquor than Caesar, but whatever. I nominate St. Ides as the official drank of the Ides of March.<sup>2


1</sup> It's meant to be read in tandem with the Life of Alexander, since Plutarch saw them as parallel figures. I recommend doing it, it sheds light on both of them. Augustus gets credit for the Pax Romana, but it would never have happened without Caesar.
² "Rappers doing St. Ides Commercials" is a whole genre in itself. Check out Snoop and 2Pac shilling for blueberry flavor St.Ides! What?!?!

What do archaeologists talk about on Facebook?

Yep, they talk sh*t about the Discovery Channel.

Thanks to Prof. Ben Rubin, who stands by these sentiments.

First Machine Sounds

The start of the rest of human history: the Manchester Mark 1, 1951 (digital60.org)

The digital computer is the most important human invention - forget about cities, the internal combustion engine, and the neolithic revolution. Music comes second, and no music is recorded or disseminated today without digital computers.

So the collision of the two marks a new age in human history, and every new age needs its founding moments. Behold, the earliest recording of computer music, from the Manchester Mark 1, Manchester, England, autumn 1951.



"God save the King", "Baa Baa Black Sheep", and "In the Mood". There's some chatting, laughter, and silence as knobs get fiddled, and performance starts at 1:12 or so. The music was programmed by Christopher Strachey. The recording was made by the BBC, on assignment in Manchester's pioneering computer labs.

You might think I'm being sarcastic here, but I mean it. (And not just because I like songs like this.) Archaeology has always been concerned with origin myths, with periodization, with the notion of 'new eras'. And like any historical narrative, this one is subject to all kinds of rewriting and restructuring to match the mores of the present. The 2008 BBC article covering the story, for instance, pretends that "God Save the King" is not on the recording, presumably for reasons of political correctness.

The stress on the first recorded music also hides the real innovator: even though the Mark 1 was the first computer to run stored programs, the CSIRAC computer in Melbourne was the first to play music in 1950, and performed the popular tune "Colonel Bogey" for the public in August 1951. It wasn't recorded, but here's a reconstruction:

Sounds like hell, but I'm sure the first Neanderthal flute sounded pretty shitty too. (More dubious Neanderthal tunes.) You can keep playing the "who was first" game for quite a while (see below), which is tiresome - every invention I can think of was the product of multiple minds, often working at cross-purposes. The obsession with "firsts" is a distraction from thinking about how awesome computers playing music is and all the awesome feelings it's made possible.

Parting shot: the first computer vox, performed by an IBM 7094 in 1961 (programming by John Kelly and Carol Lockbaum. It's like Lil Wayne's grandpa.

Nibiru Palace: New Math Proves Apollo = Satan?

OK, here’s the scoop. This video shows how the ancient Greek god Apollo = Apollyon, the beast from the pit in Revelations. And it proves that his satanic presence is EVERYWHERE. The dollar bill, the pyramids, the Maya Calendar, the Olympic rings, the coat of arms of the Vatican, the Freemasons, the chess board, the Nazis, everywhere. Basically, if you unscramble ΑΠΟΛΛΟΝ you get 666 in Roman numerals. But don’t just take my word for it.



Your host for this romp is Chris Constantine, the curator of the amazingly named 'Nibirupedia'. Despite his obvious enthusiasm and skill with video editing, his theory gets a big NOT. Constantine makes a rookie mistake and assumes that ancient Greeks used Roman numerals. They actually used a system where letters stood for numbers, like so¹:


So all those bits of Roman numerals flying off the dollar bill and out of the pope's behind and whatnot and forming the Name of the Beast are just bunk. It’s a shame that he doesn’t know shit about ancient mathematics, because the ancient Greeks LOVED paranoid ravings about numerology, from Pythagoras on down to the Byzantines. They would have understood EXACTLY where he was coming from. If you want to know more about the real practice of Greek numerology, this guy Joel Kalvesmaki did his dissertation on the topic. His website has a bunch of good resources to get you started. It's weird and interesting.

I like conspiracy theories, but I have some quality control standards these days. It’s pretty lame if you don’t back up your ravings with decent data. Holy Blood, Holy Grail had a ton of historical fact in it², so when Dan Brown ripped it off it came off as a plausible ancient mystery. I do like Chris Constantine’s website, though, because he uses so many archaeological bits to illustrate the presence of ancient astronauts and their connection to the grand battle between Jesus and the Freemasons. He’s got the secret planet Nibiru hypothesis of Zechariah Sitchin, who learned about ancient UFO visitations via Sumerian tablets, plus lots of stuff on pyramids:

the Mayan Calendar is also a cryptic 3D depiction of a UFO, swirling thrust and a Pyramid just like those at Giza. The Satanic Cult of Freemasons (illuminati) use Mayan symbols as well as Babylonian, Greek, Egyptian, Roman etc.

Be careful, archaeologists, your research is leading you into un-biblical territory.



I'll let Chris have the parting word.

I have encountered immense opposition in researching the matters relating to:
1. Jesus Christ 2. UFOs 3. Nephilim 4. Reptilians 5. Masonic Logos 6. Nibiru ( Planet X ). Organised internet hate groups have made it impossible for people to debate these matters on a large scale.

True dat.

¹ There were a couple other Greek letter systems (the ‘Herodian’ and the ‘Acrophonic’) which were kinda like Roman numerals except with Greek letters. But since they’re totally different letters, Chris’ theory doesn’t work the same way. Go here if you want the details.
² Despite apparently being a surrealist prank? By Jean Cocteau? But if it was a surrealist prank, then it could be all true, right? You can now download the whole book from disinfo and decide for yourself.

Jon Stewart, archaeology newsman

A couple Jon Stewart clips about early hominids. These things are practically archaeological artifacts in themselves. Look how young he looks in that first clip! World domination makes you age quickly I guess.

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Music to Dig By: Visage, 'Love Glove'

Steve Strange, lost on the Nile, races camels and gets into trouble with an Egyptian girl. Oh, and there's passionate singing in front of pharaonic statues, pyramids, and miscellaneous ruins. It's all wonderfully preposterous and I wish the rest of the Blitz Kids were in this video too.




Thanks to Sean for blowing my mind with this one.

The Dangers of Heritage Lists: The Tomb of the Patriarchs

The dark side of national heritage lists was illustrated Monday week in the West Bank (AFP via Juan Cole):

As they do every year on the Jewish holiday of Purim, the settlers donned costumes -- one was a clown, another a Palestinian -- and drank and danced to celebrate a biblical miracle that saved the Jews from the ancient Persians.

But this year the holiday comes amid growing unrest over an Israeli plan to renovate the Tomb of the Patriarchs, a flashpoint holy site revered by Jews and Muslims in the heart of the town of more than 160,000 Palestinian Muslims.

There have been days of clashes since Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that he wanted to include the burial site of the biblical figure Abraham in a national heritage plan.

The move has sparked international outrage and the United States has attacked it as a "provocative" act that could further imperil its hope of relaunching Israeli-Palestinian peace talks suspended during the Gaza war over a year ago.

As Juan Cole points out, Al-Khalil/Hebron cannot be an Israeli heritage site, since it is not part of Israel (though it has been militarily occupied by Israel since 1967). This is not to detract from the obvious Jewish heritage at the site, but to point out the difference between religion and nation-state. I'm just going to quote Cole's article at length, since I have nothing to say that improves on it.

Palestinians are afraid that Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's action is a prelude to an Israeli claim on the annexation of al-Khalil to Israel. The town of 150,000 is completely made up of Palestinian Christians and Muslims, though 400 Israeli settlers, some of them armed and all under the protection of the Israeli military, reside there. There have been constant frictions between the small Israeli colony and the Palestinian townspeople.

The choice of Purim for listing the Tomb of the Patriarchs was insensitive, to say the least:

But Purim in al-Khalil has other connotations, since it was the day on which Dr. Baruch Goldstein opened fire on innocent worshipers at the Mosque of Abraham, shooting 179 in cold blood, and killing 29 of those. This site gives you an idea of how Palestinians remember the incident. Israeli apologists often refer to Goldstein as deranged, but people who met him before his attack deny this charge. He is more likely to have simply been the Israeli equivalent of a suicide bomber, i.e. acting out of ideological conviction.

Anyway, the coincidence of the anniversary of the Goldstein massacre with the designation of the tomb complex an Israeli heritage site was enough to inspire fear, outrage and anger in the Palestinian residents of the city. The cabinet of the Palestine Authority is meeting in al-Kahlil/ Hebron on Monday, just to reaffirm its sovereignty or at least future sovereignty over the town.

Amid the nationalist posturing on both sides, I like Cole's reflections on the historical nitty-gritty behind the figure of Abraham.

That is, historians are aware that the Tomb of the Patriarchs has been sacred to Muslims for 1400 years and they have been going on pilgrimage to it for much of that period, combining visits to Jerusalem and Hebron with their pilgrimage to Mecca. (If you were living in Turkey, Northern Iran or coastal Syria, Jerusalem and Hebron are on the way to Mecca by a popular route.)

It is worth noting that the figure of Abraham as described in the Bible is in any case not historical. Abraham is said to have been the forebear of the twelve tribes of Israel, including that of Benjamin or Bin Yamin. But the Banu Yamin are mentioned in clay tablets in the area dated to 2000 BC, so they precede Abraham's alleged advent. The kings he is said to have met don't correspond to any known historical figures. He is said to have bought the Caves which allegedly became his tomb from a Hittite, but the Hittites did not then exist and they didn't come to geographical Palestine until the 1400s BC. He is said to have been a monotheist, but there is no evidence in the archeology of anything but polytheists in Palestine (then Egyptian-ruled Canaan or Retenu) for many centuries after he supposedly lived.

Moreover, if Abraham were from south Iraq (Ur in what is now Dhi Qar) he would have likely been ethnically Sumerian, whereas the genetic signature of a majority of Jewish men most resembles that of Palestinians and Lebanese, not of southern Iraqis. For the same reason, he is not the direct male ancestor of the Hijazi Arabs. (If he existed at all and lived 4000 years ago and if his descendants flourished, he would likely be an ancestor of most people in the greater Mediterranean by now, I.e. Arabs and Europeans and Jews from both worlds; note that only uninterrupted descent in the male line would show up in the Y chromosome.)

But the Abraham stories are no more historical than those of Gilgamesh and Utnapishtim, other ancient Middle Eastern mythical figures. The jumbled stories about him were written down in the Babylonian exile, when scribes made an attempt to establish a historical timeline into which he could be asserted. Ur was a classy place to be from, as Shlomo Sands points out, and so the Babylonian Jewish authors of the written Bible endowed themselves with a distinquished Iraqi parentage.

It is modern nationalism that lies behind the current tensions over Abraham's tomb and the Haram Sharif. Jews and Muslims shared pilgrimage sites all through history, most often amicably. Israeli, Arab and Palestinian nationalisms are reconfiguring sacred space as sites of national authenticity and as exclusive.

The Palestine Authority should declare itself a state and offer citizenship to the 400 or so Jews in al-Khalil/ Hebron. And there are lots of Palestinian heritage sites it could then designate inside Israel. And ideally the two would share them, and allow free circulation and pilgrimage, including for international religious tourism, which would be good for the economy. I predict that eventually all these things will come to pass. It may however be decades.

Read the rest of Cole's article here.